Foul, Loathsome, Evil Little Cockroach

In a few months, he would’ve been 23.

I haven’t thought about this in a long time. I feel bad…ashamed. I know I’ve never met him…never could’ve (he died after birth)…but I still consider him family. Typing about it earlier made me cry. I had to stop what I was doing and cover my face. (The song wasn’t helping either, it was Beautifully Undone by Lindy).

Everything would be different if he was alive. I’m pretty sure my mom and dad probably wouldn’t have gotten a divorce. My dad didn’t change my diapers or anything like that when I was little, he would refuse, but when my half brother came along, he was willing to do it. I’d probably not be as shy as I am. I could see me falling for one of his best friends. I would’ve tried to have the relationship that I wrote about in my story (between the oldest and his sister). I could see him as being the cutest thing ever, light brown cruly hair with brown eyes. I could see him being about five seven. He’d probably wear band tees and plain jane ones with jeans. I think his voice would be like my mom’s. He’d probably look like my dad…and have a bottomless pit for a stomach his whole life. I could see him trying to make a band that never got out of the garage or play hockey for the high school. He’d probably get a car for his sixteenth birthday and end up having to drive me to school, sat least when I got to high school.

I’ve had these thoughts before, but it’s been a very long time. I didn’t even hang up his ornament this year on the tree. That’s something that always goes up no matter what. I’m sorry for that. I won’t ever forget it again.

I would’ve loved him.

I had to divulge my secrets today.

1 note

I wanted to try and talk to you today.

I made a comment to someone else that you wouldn’t talk to me, but I felt like that implied that I attempted to make conversation and so I’m sorry for that. I probably would’ve tried today if not for the stupid group chat sessions. I did join in a conversation about you with Brad (sort of). He asked if you rode your bike but you just walked on by, trying not to make contact with me. I replied that it’s too cold to ride a bike but Brad said you never know.

On a different note, I got asked if I wanted more hours. So tomorrow I’m changing my availability so I can get scheduled on Tuesdays and Thursdays (I like my weekends off). It’s going to mean a bigger paycheck and that means a better trip to Florida. Good thing I worked a full eight hours today in the foreign land (Hardlines but specifically HBA).

Another thing about today, Alex, Geoff, and I have learned that somehow we just know when to meet in the backroom. Whenever I get done with shoes, I go back there with the backstock and the two are there talking away while doing pallets, being in my way to put the shoes away. It’s sort of a ritual now. (Now I have Belva’s comment from a month or so ago stuck in my head…I can see you two together, you’re both smartasses and he’s tall and you’re short. I can just see him picking you up).

Overall, it was a good day.

I don’t know if I like him or if I just like the thought of liking him.

Shh…Keep It Secret

I remember the days when me and my cousins wanted to get into the movie business. We were going to be The Avery Girls Productions. We always acted out movies using us or barbies/bratz. We even filmed a movie once. We were so proud of it but when I think back on it now, it was pretty shitty. The plot was good, though we never described who the tree loving people were or where they came from. I was a boy named Andrew who like worked at a gas station or something like that. My oldest cousin was the villain and the camera man, so the villain became invisible due to the lack of subjects. We had our other cousin, who was five or six at the time, be the evil baby guard. He stole the movie with his one line “why is you here?” We started another one, since at the end after defeating the villain I pass out for some godly reason, but we only acted it -not filmed it. To think, it all started with my cousin running towards their house from the field and me running from the house to the field.